


Shoot Us Down One by One, Isn't This Your Way of Repenting?

by solluxisaripeprick



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Arafef definitely endgame, Asexual Characters, Dysfunctional Relationships, Everyone is Queer, F/F, F/M, Gay Characters, Happy Ending, Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Solkat is endgame, Suicidal Thoughts, Thoughts about death, Trans Characters, Transphobia, coughs at all the karkat ships(except for solkat) and points at the fourth tag, dysfunctional family(ies), humanstuck AU, just a warning for everyone, lgbtphobia in gen, probably will add more tags as it progresses, the whole lgbt gang is here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-28
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-04-01 15:24:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4024969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solluxisaripeprick/pseuds/solluxisaripeprick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His father preached for equality, preached for the hope that someday humanity would be able to reunite again and work together. To end this sudden battle of superiority against all the minorities that lived on this planet. Love thy neighbour he would say. Love thy neighbour only if he considered them to be good enough. He preached for the freedom that felt like cold poison rushing through his veins. It was the type of freedom that only applied to ones he thought were pure and human. This equality, this fairness he went on about managed to feel like several gunshots being fired directly at the chest. They don’t miss, instead, they go straight through muscle and bone with every word said. Other times it was like a knife straight through the heart, twisted and pulled out slowly to increase the pain. And why was this? </p><p>Because Homosexuality was a sin, Transgenders were monsters. And Karkat Vantas was both of this.</p><p>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I just feel I'm better off

**Author's Note:**

> Just a warning that these first two chapters are going to have quite of few suggestive thoughts somewhere across suicidal and just death in general. So if you're triggered by that I suggest not to read, so just a heads up! Don't worry, eventually it gets better.

Karkat loved cliche romcom movies. He loved teenage drama that apparently is supposed to happen to everyone, even the supposed popular bitches that also exist in every high school. He was a hopeless romantic at heart of course, but that didn’t mean he wanted to be sucked up into one. Maybe he wanted to be whisked away by some prince charming in an attempt to add more comedic value to his life. Yes, maybe he’d like to seek revenge on every bully he’s encountered and laugh it off with his total “bestie” or newly obtained boyfriend. But let’s put more emphasis on the hopeless part of hopeless romantic. For the longest time he really felt like he had no hope. 

It was funny because that was the one thing that was drilled into his head every Sunday. Hope. His father preached for equality, preached for the hope that someday humanity would be able to reunite again and work together. To end this sudden battle of superiority against all the minorities that lived on this planet. Love thy neighbour he would say. Love thy neighbour only if he considered them to be good enough. He preached for the freedom that felt like cold poison rushing through his veins. It was the type of freedom that only applied to ones he thought were pure and human. This equality, this fairness he went on about managed to feel like several gunshots being fired directly at the chest. They don’t miss, instead, they go straight through muscle and bone with every word said. Other times it was like a knife straight through the heart, twisted and pulled out slowly to increase the pain. And why was this? 

Because Homosexuality was a sin, Transgenders were monsters. And Karkat Vantas was both of this. 

While his father didn’t know that he was a part of the community, he made sure that his hate was known. It swirled around his head, made the ground seem like it was spinning and he just wished all of that could stop. He was no longer anchored by hope or protection and not even his anger could weigh him down enough to stay. So instead he floated around in his own anxiety with a jackhammer going at his head at all times. He was an insomniac, too tired to do anything on his own. But his father made a great puppeteer to combat that, after all he was such a good catholic girl. Pure, innocent, naive. If he had enough energy he’d laugh at these praises. If only he knew how much of a sin his son truly was.

And now his son was holed up in his room. Holed up with enough anxiety building up in his stomach to make him decline food once again. Sooner or later his dad would force him and then he’d have to scarf up enough food without throwing it all up again. He’d rather starve himself to death, he felt like he deserved it and it wasn’t like his stomach would actually take the food shoved down his esophagus. He felt like even his body knew. He munched on whatever leftover bag of chips he had sprawled about in his room, they didn’t satisfy him(and they weren’t meant to) while he tried to watch some romcom to calm his nerves down. He was still shaking from this night’s speech whether it was his shaky anger or stress he didn’t know. Probably a mix of both. 

That was until Sollux decided to come round and message him in the middle of his movie. That guy has managed to help him in all the wrong ways with as much apathy as a cardboard box. He ignited the flames of a forest fire of anger yet meticulously formed his arguments so that it made Karkat vent. He knew he really cared, even if his only good attempts at helping were masked with irritance. It was just how they got around with talking which was honestly a lot more comfortable than friendly drabble(Even though he barely did that). He looked up to the guy's ability to not give a shit and not seem jittery in the process. Sure Karkat had the angry and equal hate for everyone facade going for him, but somewhere along the lines of his rants were hints of desperation. Sollux had none of that. He was calm, blunt, and wasn't concerned of what everyone thought. So even though he was on the other side of the screen and on a fucking island, Karkat hoped to meet this inspiration in person. Maybe even give him a pat on the back as a sign of thanks in a sarcastic way.

He paused his movie and opened up the message window, curious of what stunt Sollux decided to pull next.

TA: at this point in time i'm going to guess you're busy doing nothing and rather than staring at the glowing screen of my laptop in hopes of inspiration or whatever the fuck to slap me in the face i decided to message you.  
TA: so yeah, hey.  
CG: I DECIDE TO PAUSE MY MOVIE FOR ONE MOMENT THINKING GEE, MAYBE SOLLUX ACTUALLY HAD A DECENT TOPIC TO TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT'S APPARENTLY BETTER THAN WHAT I'M BUSYING MYSELF WITH. WHICH IS ALSO APPARENTLY NOTHING.  
CG: OF COURSE, I WAS WRONG. BECAUSE WHEN DOES SOLLUX COME UP WITH ANYTHING GOOD? FUCKING NEVER, THAT'S RIGHT.  
CG: SO YOU BETTER HAVE A FUCKING GOOD TOPIC LOADED SOMEWHERE IN THAT MINISCULE BRAIN OF YOURS THAT'S INTERESTING ENOUGH TO HAVE ME PAUSE CINEMATIC GOLD THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TO SKEWER MY EYES OUT WITH A PRONG.  
TA: oh the breakfast girls can wait, it's not like the movie itself runs without you and then ends so you can't just rewind the film.  
TA: and man kk, is your caps lock still broken? you should get that fixed.  
TA: or is it that time of day where you shout nonsensical rants at me non stop.  
CG: OH CAN IT. IT'S BEEN THREE WHOLE YEARS AND IF YOU STILL THINK PULLING THE "IS YOUR CAPS LOCK BROKEN" JOKE IS FUNNY THEN I GOT SOME NEWS FOR YOU BUDDY.  
CG: IT DIED. EXACTLY THREE YEARS AGO BECAUSE LIKE EVERY LAME SHIT YOU MANAGE TO TYPE EVEN WITH YOUR CONSCIOUS USING EVERY FORM OF COMMUNICATION TO TELL YOU *STOP* IT'S BASICALLY LIKE AN EGG.  
CG: YOU POKE THE YOLK ENOUGH TIMES AND EVENTUALLY IT'LL POP AND THE GODS ABOVE WITH SING A HEAVENLY CHORUS AT THE RIGHTEOUS ACTION YOU'VE TAKEN.  
CG: IN OTHER WORDS, THIS IS HOW I TYPE YOU PIECE OF CEREAL. GET OVER IT.  
CG: ALSO, THAT ISN'T A MOVIE AND THAT WASN'T A TOPIC. TRY AGAIN.  
TA: oh i’m sorry your majesty i didn’t know i had to comply to your every order like i don’t have a mind of my own.  
TA: i promise it won’t happen again.  
TA: i’m just so glad that i received mercy it’s so rare for that to happen i’m very grateful.  
CG: DO YOU HEAR THAT?  
CG: THAT’S THE SOUND OF ME LAUGHING. NOT AT YOUR JOKE BUT AT *YOU*.  
CG: BUT CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY THAT “KING KARKAT” ONLY LAUGHED AT A SHITWIT LIKE YOU.  
CG: I HOPE THAT’S IT’S A HUMILIATING ENOUGH PUNISHMENT FOR A WRECK.  
TA: i am so humiliated, like, this hurts my heart kk. it really does.  
TA: if only you could forgive me for my actions  
CG: FUCK THIS.  
CG: YOU’RE COMING OFF AS IF YOU ROSE FROM THE DEAD AS ONE OF THE ACTORS WHO PLAYED THE VICTIMIZED PEOPLE OF FLOWERS IN A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM  
CG: “UNWORTHY AS I AM TO FOLLOW YOU. WHAT WORSER PLACE CAN I BEG IN YOUR LOVE BLAH BLAH DESPERATE LINE HERE BLAH.”  
TA: yeesh, someone’s a little cranky today.  
CG: I’M JUST TIRED DUDE. GIVE ME A BREAK.  
TA: that’s as subtle as it gets.  
TA: tired is just a symptom. i’m going to take a guess and say something much bigger than just being tired is a part of the equation.  
TA: so what is it. 

He let out a shaky sigh and closed his eyes for a moment. Yes, he did want to steer the conversation to this but his hands were shaking and his heart decided it didn’t want to be in his chest anymore. Just the thought of it made him anxious. He guessed he could continue to be vague, Sollux would get it at some point.

CG: BECAUSE I KNOW YOU’LL CONTINUE TO BUG ME FOR IT, EVEN THOUGH YOU BOAST ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU DON’T GIVE A SHIT YOU’LL BE ASTOUNDED BY THE MANY TIMES YOU HOUND AT ME TO TELL YOU EVERY ANGSTY AND PERSONAL DETAIL OF MY LIFE.  
CG: AND ALSO BECAUSE IT’S PROBABLY BETTER TO VENT ABOUT IT TO SOMEONE. EVEN *IF* IT’S YOU.  
TA: just get to the point kk. we both know you steered this conversation to this anyway so it would have irritated you if i didn’t seem suspicious.  
CG: I’M GETTING THERE ASSHOLE.  
CG: ALSO FIRST RULE TO VENTING, DON’T INTERRUPT THE FUCKING SPEAKER. SO SHUCK THE FUP UP AND LISTEN.  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: DON’T EVEN TRY TO MAKE A COMMENT ON THAT. DON’T YOU DARE.  
CG: ANYWAY, I’M STILL PRETTY SHAKEN BY MY DAD’S LITTLE FUCKING PREACHES HE MAKES ONCE THE WHOLE FAMILY OF THREE IS GATHERED TOGETHER.  
CG: HE ACTS LIKE BECAUSE WE’RE ALL GENETICALLY SIMILAR WE ALL HAVE THE SAME IDEAS LIKE SOME WEIRD FAMILIAL HIVEMIND.  
CG: SURE MY BROTHER SEEMS TO HAVE THE SAME BRAIN AS MY DAD, EXCEPT HIS SUBJECTS ARE MODERNIZED AND DOUCHIER. IF THAT’S EVEN A WORD.  
CG: SO JUST IMAGINE BOTH OF THEM BUSTING A LOAD AND TALKING NONSTOP ABOUT BOTH RELIGIOUS TEACHINGS MIXED WITH EVERY HATEPHOBIA IMAGINABLE.  
CG: IT’S JUST. REALLY STRESSFUL. I HAD TO QUICKLY HURRY UP INTO MY ROOM BEFORE I WAS ABOUT TO GO INTO AN ANXIETY ATTACK IN FRONT OF THE BOTH OF THEM.  
TA: sounds tough. which probably isn’t the best thing to say after that but you’re just going to have to put up with that being the first thing is say.  
TA: for a more detailed description on what i should say, whether that should be pity or advice, you’re going to have to wait. we both know i’m shit at this. 

By now it was almost ten minutes. He had to admit that Sollux wasn’t the greatest at giving advice quickly if it’s actually straight from the heart and not formed in the way where it sounds like it was straight out of the ass. Karkat knew he meant well, and was also pretty anxious when it came to handing out sympathy. Which was a surprise on its own because Sollux Captor is never anxious, only calm. At least from what he’s gathered. He sighed once again, started to tap at his desk because he was impatient and impatient and anxious didn’t mix well. They only made his head spin even more. The habit of picking at his lips started to form again in the duration of a few days. He’d look down and realize how much dead skin he pulled off for a lot of reasons, which kind of terrified him to know that sooner or later that skin would probably stop regenerating. He shuddered and refocused on the screen. He was starting to feel jittery again. Sollux better hurry up before it worsened. 

TA: now this probably isn’t going to be worded correctly because of the sheer fact that i’m the wrong person to seek help to and no matter how strategic i am with these words i’m going to fail horribly.  
TA: so you should also prepare yourself for the most sap coming out of me i’m practically a fucking tree. cherish it now because you know i don’t like getting this mushy.  
TA: but you’re not alone y’know and you most likely do but a lot of people need to be verbally reminded of this anyway. just try to stay strong, as hard as that is and i’m just laughing at how bad this is because it’s straight from a drama to the point where it’s redundant and useless.  
TA: but hey, at least i’m trying i guess.  
TA: and to complete the ritual of all things douchebaggery i have to go because my dad is going to be pissed to see me up late a-fucking-gain. something about trying to be a better parent or whatever so in order for him to go through his little pity phases i have to do it.  
TA: sorry.

It’s been three whole years, he’s pretty sure that was covered in the conversation at least once. Was it not completely obvious that any form of help, be it sappy or downright awful(in a trying to be helpful way), made Karkat feel better than anything? Honestly, he would take anything and cherish the fuck out of it. The jittery feeling stopped and while the headache was still there it was mild enough that he could rest another day. Even the littlest things helped and while the platonic gush of all of this made him want to revolt because it wasn’t exactly their style it made him hope again. It was small and inevitably going to be destroyed again, but he still looked up to the guy. 

CG: MAN YOU WEREN’T KIDDING WHEN YOU TALKED ABOUT THE COMPLETE AND UTTER CLICHE FEELINGS YOU MANAGED TO COME UP WITH. HOW HARD WAS IT FOR YOU TO TYPE THAT WITH OR WITHOUT CRINGING. YOU CERTAINLY TOOK ONE FOR THE TEAM.  
CG: SO GOODNIGHT YOU LACKADAISICAL SORRY SACK OF SHIT. AND THANKS.


	2. Putting my fingers to my head

There was an extent to how much slander he could take. In fact, he was amazed he lasted this long without an impromptu visit from the attacks of the barely functioning anxiety. It didn’t help that that was the one thing he seemed to completely focus on once even the smallest hint of it happened. It was practically an obsession, to see how his body functioned and how it didn’t. The worry of it only increased it by tenfold. But the fucking unknown invalidation, the misgendering, the hate, they all would eventually amount to something.

Maybe he was overthinking but right now his chest felt frozen even when his heart was beating fast enough that it generated the heat of the sun. He could barely breathe. Scratch that, he couldn’t fucking breathe. He sat there on his bed, curled up in a ball while he tried to find out what was wrong with him. He knew he was anchored to the ground. The ground filled with air. But all he could feel was that he was anchored to the bottom of the ocean, drowning. There was no air, there was no help. He just wanted to break something. He wanted to break himself.

The constant she/her. The constant compliment about how he had such a pretty feminine name. How a pretty girl like him would undeniably attract all the guys. He hated all of it. But most of all he hated how he was such a good catholic girl. A good catholic girl. He wondered when they’d pinpoint the knife at the neck, scowling about how such a fucking horrid sin of a monster he was. He was a waste of everyone’s time. And he guessed this was God’s way of punishing him. Making him feel like he was dying but still having his soul intact with his excuse of a functioning body so that he could never leave. He wished he could just sleep forever because then maybe, maybe it’d be peaceful.

But where was peace in sleep when all he had was nightmares?

 

* * *

 

It started to seem like he was getting more anxious as the days went on. He felt disconnected from everyone because the only thing keeping him running was his anxiety and it was the only thing he could ever seem to focus on. The never-ending dizziness, the struggle to breathe, the feeling that the jackhammer at his skull somehow made it to his heart. He started to bite his nails, started to find new ways to relieve the feelings but only made him even more twitchy. He couldn't indulge in anything he used to like to do without his brain having something against it. Words on pages spun around, the colors on games burned his eyes, and writing only amounted to the same thing.

Venting. He tried to type up stories, things to get his mind off of stress but it kept coming back to vent stories. Different character, different personality, different life but with the same problems and the same problematic family. It often ended up like a one sided conversation with no back bone to keep it on its feet. There was no plot, no continuation, just his way of trying to write off his anxiety. Vent stories are said to help but it only seemed to press on the subject more. He learned he couldn't do this by himself. He was like the story, a one sided conversation in need of a player two. He had no backbone because if he did he wouldn't find himself on the floor this many times. His problems were his plot but continuation? He didn't even know anymore. He was just waiting for his father to take him by the neck and slam him down, physically not verbally.

So he sat on his chair with his knees up to his chest and the nail of his thumb at his mouth, waiting. He stared at the screen for who knows how long and even while his eyes were practically screaming he continued to stare at the glow. It’s been three days. Three days of no messages, not since their last conversation. His head felt heavy and the dizziness wrapped around his mind, slowly pulling him back to the water. What was worse was that the world was completely still, except for him. He knew Sollux could get busy or too exhausted for a conversation. He understood that, gave him breaks so it wasn’t an overload on social activity. But now every time Karkat would wake up, he panicked. His chest filled up with that frozen feeling again and his head reeled. He was too scared to check his messages in the morning, scared to see an angry Sollux or even a Sollux who wanted to take a stab at their friendship. He pictured Sollux leaving a gash in it, and it wasn’t his fault, it was never his fault. Only Karkat’s. He felt like he was emotionally abusing himself with his own built up fears. He knew Sollux wouldn’t do that, knew that this friendship was as precious to him as it was to Sollux but the rational evidence would always falter to the irrational side of him. His emotions override his systems and engulf him in it even when the logical and calmer side of him should have outweighed them.

Had he done something wrong? Did he say something? Or was it, the fact that Karkat always seemed to bite off too much. He was clingy to the ones he thought were close, always needed that reassurement. Always wanted some type of approval. And even though Karkat always came off as aggressive and fearless, Sollux could read him like a book. He was fragile. And maybe Sollux got tired of the constant routine of picking him back up again and fixing him. On an almost daily basis Karkat would come to him with his fears, his doubts, his worry and he knew that irritated him. Not from obvious notions but because it always does. He didn’t need any form of proof for that, at some point he would worry or annoy that person to the point they wanted nothing of him. And he probably hit that tipping point with Sollux.

He felt selfish. Felt as if he was asking too much from a friendship. It was just a friendship after all, he wanted it to last but you very well knew it would end all too soon. They've known each other for three years yes, and breaking it off would create a hole in the usual cycle but that didn't mean it would stop the inevitable ending. Karkat knew that much. But that didn't stop him from waiting. That's all he could do, wait.

His mind had the habit of thinking too much but that didn’t amount to how much he talked. He probably suffocated Sollux with his words, and while Sollux often complained about it he kept going. He felt prideful about it and that was most likely his downfall. He could almost imagine his words wringing around the other’s neck like a noose, and as much as he struggled the words kept getting tighter and tighter until eventually he couldn’t breathe. Karkat can say he backed off when he should have, but did he really? He started to doubt it. He laughed a bitter laugh at himself, he was always the one to blame.

He opened up the window for the messenger, took a deep breath and started typing. He had to apologize somehow. Getting it off his chest would probably help him cool off instead of having to stare at the vortex known as his fears as well. Maybe if he said something it could stop their friendship from sinking.

CG: IT’S BEEN THREE WHOLE DAYS AND I’M ALREADY STARTING TO SUSPECT THAT I SOMEHOW FUCKED OUR FRIENDSHIP TWO-FOLD.

CG: I MEAN, THERE’S NOT ACTUALLY EVIDENCE SUPPORTING THIS BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER.

CG: AND MAYBE I’M JUST A FUCKING IDIOT WHO HAS NO PATIENCE AND APPARENTLY CAN’T WAIT FOR A SECOND WITHOUT WORRYING MY FRIEND JUST DUMPED ME INTO THE NEAREST DUMPSTER.

CG: WHICH PROBABLY NEEDS TO HAPPEN SOON REGARDLESS BECAUSE I’M A WORTHLESS AND PATHETIC ASSWIPE WHO DOESN’T NEED TO BE FORGIVEN.

CG: YET I’M GOING TO PULL A DESPERATE ATTEMPT AT AN APOLOGY EVEN THOUGH I SUCK AT THAT SINCE APPARENTLY *I* SHOULD GET THE APOLOGY, RIGHT?

CG: THAT’S USUALLY HOW MY MIND SEES IT ANYWAY BUT LOOK I’M BEING NICE NOW, WHEN I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THIS WHOLE TIME, AND SAYING SORRY.

CG: FOR JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING REALLY.

CG: I PROBABLY NEVER GAVE YOU ANY AMOUNT OF SPACE AND IF THAT DOESN’T MAKE ME A DOUCHEBAG THEN I DON’T KNOW WHAT DOES.

CG: IF ANYTHING YOU FORGAVE ME TOO MUCH, WHICH WAS ALSO MOST LIKELY WHY YOU JUST STOPPED TALKING COMPLETELY.

CG: THEN AGAIN I’M JUST WORRYING A SHIT TON AND YOU’RE JUST TOO BUSY TO GET ON MESSENGER AND THIS IS A WASTE OF BOTH OF OUR TIME.

CG: BUT STILL.

CG: SORRY.

CG: ARE WE, ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?

He finally let out the breathe he held out and pushed himself away from the computer. It was a stupid decision to ask if they were still friends but you don’t make the best decisions when you’re anxious, scared, and stressed. He just hoped he would understand.

And like most times, all he had to do was wait. Wait for him to feel the intensity of heat from just sheer irritance to be able to be felt through the screen. His breath felt like iron and his mouth tasted of metal, similar to one of a gun. The gun that was pointed at him straight at his head. If this was how it was going to end then he’d let it. Probably better that way, but he still shook his head and winced. His imagination was starting to be too much for him, it happened too often. Everything set off a way of death, may it be realistic or not. He just wanted it to stop, but it didn’t, it couldn’t.

 

* * *

 

He put his elbows on the table and clasped his hands, forehead resting on them while his eyes were closed. He was supposed to whisper them, but they tasted bitter on his mouth almost resembling poison so he mouthed out his prayers. Even if they didn’t taste like a toxin, he shouldn’t say them anyway, it was meant for pure people after all. But he had to “say” them or else he couldn’t eat and while he didn’t want to feel cold mush being pushed around his mouth, it was also the only way he could get out as quick as possible. Once he put his hands down he tried to make eye contact and instead looked at his food. His dad wasn’t the best of cooks but he tried, and Karkat really wished he didn’t. They tasted decent but decent wasn’t so far away from downright inedible. Looks like he was going to have to swallow at least most of this down before he could excuse himself from the table.

There was a tapping of metal on metal, a signal that someone was going to speak. Karkat cringed and continued to stuff his mouth with food, it stopped him from the need to reply.

“You missed out on a lot daughter, it’s a shame. You should go downstairs more and spend some quality bonding time with your brother and I,” his dad started, while his words seemed kind his voice was rough, his way of passive aggressively saying he should stopped being holed up in his room.

His brother chimed in, his voice smoother and higher, it was shocking how his voice basically summarized his holier than thou attitude, “I don’t care how important whatever you’re doing on your computer is, I think it’s almost traitor-like to spend more time on it than with your family. You should really start considering getting off of it dear sister. I know controversial topics are quite exciting to indulge in and solving a problematic problem by including your own input is also something one can get carried away with but I find it unfair to us. Don’t you ever think of our feelings? Your actions are, in my opinion, insensitive.”  

Please don’t please don’t please don’t. He continued to stuff his mouth with more food, he was nauseous and felt as if he was going to puke from all the food he was shoving down his throat. His brother kept talking and every scolding and insult burned into his mind. He already had enough on his plate to feel guilty about but his brother only added onto it. Soon enough he finally finished his food and hurriedly stood up, whispering an “Excuse me” before putting his dish in the sink and heading back upstairs.

So much for comfort.


	3. Something you won't forget, it's all about my forehead

He let out an exhale and started to scratch at his arms. He trailed down to his palm, refused to touch his wrists, and started to pop his knuckles. He shuddered and winced, that twitchy feeling was coming back. His heart slowed in beat instead of quickening and a nauseous feeling crept up his throat. The only thing he could do was focus on his breathing. The side of his head pulsed and he squinted as he kept his eyes on one thing to keep everything else at bay. Or, at least in shallow water. The sun was awfully bright but the weather seemed nice, maybe he’d go out for a walk. That is if the swirling vortex in front of him allowed him to move away from his bed.

He reached for his phone and while he knew it wasn’t good to start the morning with stress, if he went head on with the problem maybe it take it all away.

But it didn’t. He checked his messages once, twice, three times. Restarted his phone and did the routine all over again. There was nothing. Only silence on the other side. He found that funny, how the one who had the phobia for the silence was currently making no noise. He finally understood his reasons though. Sometimes quiet is violent.

He knew the biggest cause was the constant wonder of when Sollux would answer. He needed that to stop, he needed to calm down. So he put his phone to his side, stood up and stretched. He looked out the window, one of the cars were gone which usually meant his dad had already left. Quietly, he opened his door and checked downstairs. The darkness started to move like snaky tendrils ready to strike and choke him. He shook his head, it was just a figment of his imagination. Another shaky sigh. He was okay, everything was fine. His brother wasn’t home either, he could make it safely down and out without an encounter.

* * *

Going outside with an oversized hoodie and baggy jeans was, to most people, by far the most stupid decision he’s made. But it hid his curves and he didn’t need dysphoria to cloud his thoughts at the moment. He was just glad it was windy today or else he would have gained some strange looks. He didn’t need that. All he needed was the outside noises to block out the incoming thoughts and sights to distract him. He could revisit places he used to hang out at and buy something for himself instead of walking aimlessly and inevitably getting lost. He could just imagine the world of trouble he’d get into if he got lost. He didn’t know anyone here, he couldn’t just simply call someone to pick him up and drop him off. He couldn’t call his father, he’d scold him either way. The feeling of guilt started to feel heavy on his shoulders and he had to take a seat on a bench to calm himself down again.

Karkat hadn’t gone outside in a while and it felt like a whole new experience to him again. There was too many beady eyes constantly watching him downstairs for him to. The air was too thick to breathe through his nose and he could cut the tension that seemed to form there. Downstairs was the trap that stopped him from getting freedom so outside was never an option, it couldn’t be. So now that he was finally granted this peace, he treated it like a toddler getting their first toy. He was hesitant as he tried to find out how the way things worked. Every time he figured out it surprised him, but the surprise was pleasant and sweet, not stressful and unforgiving.

He made a turn into the little shop at the corner and looked around. The smell was the same and aside from a few new things in the store it looked exactly the same from last time. He smiled at that, it was good to know that at least one thing didn’t change in his life. He’d often go here to just look around and/or talk to the worker at the cash register. She was nice and was the only one who knew of his identity. He walked through the tiny aisle and went straight over to the register. If she was still working there then he hoped that she’d forgive him for being absent for so long.

She looked...different, but in a good way. Her dark brown hair that used to be in a messy bob was now pixie cut length with a dark green streak, it made her look older. Her skin was a smooth and darker brown and you could practically see the muscles through her clothes. If she wanted to she could probably fling him across the room, and he wouldn’t be mad at her honestly. But the minute she spotted him her eyes lit up with joy and she did a little dance at the cashier before running over to him and giving him a big hug. He was shocked and couldn’t breathe but smiled, hugged her and patted her on the back.

She then pulled back, her hands on his shoulders and gave him the maddest face possible. He had to look up at her just to keep eye contact, she’s certainly grown since last time. “You can’t just leave off the face of Earth, Karcat. You owe me big time, so spill.” She gave him a cheerful smile so not to completely scare him.

He scoffed, rolling his eyes, “Need I really say anything about my horrid excuse of a life because I think we all know what’s going on. Same constant trans and homophobia coming from both sides of family with the additional passive aggressive ‘You should hang out with us more, this is unfair for the both of us’ crap they seem to like to spew. In short summary my life is like a broken record.”  

“Well cousin Nepeta is here to save the day with some good news and latest gossip!” She winked at him. “Welcome me to the community because I recently discovered I’m aromantic and also I’ve heard their are even more delightful people of the community here, so we’re not alone y’know.”

He half smiled at that, partly because the thought of it made him feel uneasy. Sure it was great to know that his only closest family member was in this with him but more people? The thought of having to be social terrified him, regardless of whether or not he was in the LGBT community he felt that he’d start off on a rough patch and well, be rough. He wasn’t exactly a likeable person and he guessed she sensed that. Her smile lessened to a more pleasant and reassuring one and she lightly nudged him.

“They’re goin’ to love you Karkat, don’t start doubting now. You haven’t even met them! Suure you can be a little bit of a grumpykin but I’m sure they’ll understand. Being a part of the minority isn’t exactly the easiest, especially not with a family like yours-”

He waved her off. “Yeah, yeah, I understand. The whole “it’ll get better eventually” schtick, I’ve heard it before. You know what’s funny though? I don’t see any improvement happening around me so when is this “eventually”? When I finally decide to dig my own grave?” There was one thing Karkat didn’t like, and that was the constant pity for the negatives in his life. And apparently the one who gave the exact same sap left him and it was already obvious enough that that didn’t do him any better. Nepeta looked hurt, but he was tired of waiting. He had waited for things to get better, he had hoped but it was dismal, imminent. He was starting to think there was no better, not for people like him.

“Look, I appreciate the help but I can’t keep on pretending like everything is going to be all sunshine and rainbows sooner or later. You can and almost everyone else can and I look up to that. But I’ve done my time and currently it isn’t helping me. So I don’t need your pity or anyone else’s. It was nice catching up with you but I think I should just leave.” And then he was off, without another word. He knew she’d understand, she always did. Then again his old assumptions of friends were apparently incorrect, but she hadn’t seemed to change so he could still count on her. Maybe another time they’d be able to catch up again, this time with him in a better mood. If possible.

And now he was left to his own doing again. He could go window shopping, or actually shopping instead of talking to the cashier and not really doing anything else “shopping”. Or he could just continue to walk with no set destination. Again, probably not the safest idea but he might be able to find something to do by doing just that.

So he did. He didn’t steer too far off the path and still kept close to familiar streets to ensure that he wouldn’t get into big trouble. Even so it still felt riveting, like he finally felt independant. The mind-numbing feelings almost dissipated, of course they still nagged at him but it was at the back of his head, he could ignore them. There wasn’t a phone attached him, one of the metallic objects of stress. He probably would be constantly checking it if he had it on him so finally being able to be distracted on better things made him glad.

He finally took a stop at an arcade. It looked old with machines that looked like it dated back to the 60s but still had a nostalgic touch to it. He checked his wallet and was surprised at the amount of money he had. Then again he never went out so he never had the time to splurge which was good because he probably wouldn’t be able to do a lot of things today.

He took a step inside and looked down at the bowling alley/bus-esque carpet and took a whiff of what smelled like nachos and hot dogs. He looked around at the dimly lit building where the only light came from the machines and the small light at the register in the corner of the room. He walked over to said register and bought a card, he could see himself frequenting here whenever he had the chance. Games served as a great distraction, that is, when it doesn’t burn his eyes out and screech in his ears. These game were too old for that though, but the minute he started to play them they were bad enough to make him vomit. Or laugh at its sheer stupidity. Luckily he was doing more of the latter.

He turned in his tickets after an hour or so of going game to game and buying a couple more credits and almost got into a fight with the cashier. He just couldn’t understand how a high amount of tickets only amounted to getting small and generic prizes. It was of course a business and money thing but it seemed almost traitorous to whoever played there. But instead he shut up and put up with it after the first couple snaps, he was too tired to deal with an angry worker along with a possibly angry manager. So he took a couple of slinkies and stupid as fuck sunglasses to go along with it. If entering an arcade didn’t already clearly show it, he was definitely living the life of a ten year old. Complete with temper tantrums and ridiculous toys, the whole set was here. So with a small bag of toys in his hand, he headed back out.

* * *

He laid out a big blanket he bought at a convenience store on what looked like freshly cut green grass. He set down the several bags he was carrying before he finally sat down. While McDonald's wasn’t the most “gourmet” choice he still hadn’t treated himself like this in what seemed like forever so might as well relish in it. He took a bite out of his sandwich and looked around. The park was big and cared for on what seemed like a weekly basis. People were evenly spread out so it didn’t seem crowded and aside from the usual loud yelling of overly excited families, for the most part the only thing heard was the chirping of birds. He took a couple more bites of food and a sip of a drink before laying down on the ground, the back of his head resting on his hands. The sky was a smooth light blue, with sparse, fluffy white clouds slowly floating across his line of eyesight. His eyes were still really sensitive to even the lightest rays of sun but it was still peaceful. If it really came down to this, this sudden loneliness and most likely the cycle of fear/anxiety, he could adjust


	4. 'Cause I'm twisted up, I'm twisted up inside my mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up that if I don't upd8 the chapters for a small while it might be due to the fact that I'm working on other fanfics as well, but don't worry I'm not forgetting about this one. That also means you'll see more stories by me though!

At the moment, he felt like a total douche. Well it wasn’t that bad, in fact it was probably an improvement from feeling like a self-deprecating waste of time, pathetic and heartless asshole who can’t help friends, amongst other things. He wasn’t kidding when he said he would be complete the ritual of douchebaggery, he managed to pull the cliche of not calling that girl(in this case, guy) you met at the bar last month. While a month would be an exaggeration, four days of no messaging could make anyone go crazy.

He ran a hand through his hair and finally grabbed the phone which was gathering dust on the floor. He did a few stretches as he waited for the phone to turn on and load up and tried to tend to the pain in his shoulder, sleeping on a futon with the plush of a rock and the height of a pencil eraser wasn’t exactly a luxurious comfort. It was at least cleaner than his average sized bed that was covered in game controllers, papers, and textbooks he was too lazy to put away which also provided horrible comfort he somehow slept through. The advantage to having to pack up everything in boxes was that it was cleaner, the disadvantage was that there was nothing. Kind of like how he left nothing for Karkat, which was what he found fucking incredible.

He cursed under his breath, thirteen messages. Thirteen unread messages. Thirteen messages that probably showed how much of a complete asshole he was. Honestly he expected more and he guessed less messages to read through would be amazing if it wasn’t for the fact that he hadn’t talked to him in four days. It wasn’t something he just woke up to and sighed at because there was twenty messages fired at gunpoint because Karkat was dying of boredom. It wasn’t something he checked and rolled his eyes at because Karkat was attempting to start their ever so wonderful arguments. This is thirteen messages he wakes up to and beats himself up for it because Karkat is dying from anxiety. This is thirteen messages he knows he has to check but cringes because it’s either Karkat trying to get a hold of him or leaving him.

CG: ARE WE, ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?

That’s all he could see, that’s all he needed to to see for the matter. Normally he would dismiss it almost as a childish is thing as were their arguments but no matter what he knew that this question just wasn’t asked for no reason. This question was asked with as much urgency as it was urgent for Sollux to keep this friendship alive. Seeing him put himself down like this, seeing Karkat shed away all his pride because he blames himself only added to amount of guilt swimming at the pit of his stomach. He deserved it, he knew he deserved this pain but knowing that his inspiration _suffered_ just ruined him completely. Karkat was tough, he could handle things, he might stumble and fall but he picked himself up by himself. It’s rare for him to ask for help because he tries so hard to be independent and he practically succeeds in that. But the fact that he ditches that tough skin because he’s so ready to be slammed against the wall and left to die was shocking.

Now, he had been busy, his whole family had been. They were moving and that can create difficulties with communication. Not to mention the whole fact that their internet was cut and they’ve been living off of data so messenger, at least on his laptop, was out of question. But why was it so damn hard for him just to pick up the phone and talk? There was absolutely no reason why he couldn’t just talk to him even if they were packing up and getting ready to go. But now wasn’t the time to continuously blame himself and put himself down. A common ritual, but the more time he spent on chastising himself the more time he spent not doing anything beneficial. It just lessened the time he could try to fix things and apologize, if Karkat cared enough for any of that to be important to him. By now he probably already got over it and forgot about him. If that was so, Sollux was more than fine with that, he deserved a better friend after all. It only seemed like all Sollux could do was add salt to the wound and give him useless advice for his own problems. But that didn’t stop him from at least notifying Karkat that he was there. It was the least he could do.

TA: oh wow will you look at that, i’m a complete idiot because i thought it was wise for me not to answer at all for four days.

TA: i’m sorry, i’ve been busy and unable to answer anyone apparently.

It was a lie, it was a very big lie, but it’s not like he could exactly say the truth here. He couldn’t just be like, “I glanced at my phone from time to time but decided against actually looking through it because why the fuck not, might as well constantly worry my friend here.” That would just add more wood to the fire and create another mess he’d have to deal with knowing he created it. He apologized and that’s all that mattered at the moment.

He honestly didn’t expect a reply so quickly, but he wasn’t really relieved to see it.

CG: OH, SO NOW HE TALKS.

CG: YES GO AHEAD AND BERATE YOURSELF FOR A SPECTACULAR ENTRANCE, HMM, WHAT SHOULD WE CALL IT? “I COMPLETELY DISAPPEARED AND WORRIED THE SHIT OUT OF MY FRIEND SO IN ORDER TO SHOW I CARE I’LL APOLOGIZE AND ADD MY OWN TWO CENTS WITH IT THAT PRETTY MUCH POSES ME FOR A PITY PARADE.”

CG: GOOD JOB THERE SOLLUX, WE ALL KNOW YOU HATE YOURSELF FOR IT AND HOW MUCH OF AN IDIOT YOU ARE AND YOUR REASON WHY WAS SO DESCRIPTIVE.

CG: YOU WERE “APPARENTLY” BUSY IS IT? SO BUSY YOU “APPARENTLY” COULDN’T ANSWER *ANYONE* FOR THAT TIME PERIOD.

CG: THIS IS YOUR SORRY? I POURED MY FUCKING SOUL AND PRACTICALLY TOOK A WALK DOWN SELF-DEPRECATING LANE IN ORDER TO SHOW I DESERVE NONE OF YOUR APPARENT KINDNESS AND YOU SHOW UP AGAIN WITH A SIMPLE SORRY.

CG: I’M NOT ASKING FOR A WALTZ ON BROADWAY WITH A DRAMATIC APOLOGY BUT I EXPECT MORE FROM YOU AFTER ALL YOU CAUSED.

He closed his eyes and sighed, he couldn’t get mad at the reaction, he understood but trying to get out of this situation is going to be mildly irritating. Trying to tiptoe his way out of an argument doesn’t seem anywhere near possible and maybe it was best not to. If he was able to get Karkat’s aggression out now the rest might flow smoothly, he could only hope at this moment.

TA: because the whole world revolves around you kk and you need full attention, nice one.

TA: look, i’m sorry i really am but you can’t act like i need to be on every hour of the day to talk to just you.

TA: people get busy karkat, it’s perfectly reasonable for someone not talk at all during those times for fuck’s sake.

TA: okay sure i’m in the wrong when i know i stressed you out but you’re really taking this out of proportions here.

CG: TAKING IT OUT OF PROPORTIONS? ME?

CG: SO, WHAT, IF YOUR FIRST PLAN DOESN’T WORK ALL FINGERS ARE POINTED AT ME TO MAKE SURE I KNOW I TRULY AM THE BAD GUY HERE.

CG: I’VE ALREADY COVERED THAT SECTION THANK YOU VERY MUCH AND I’M PRETTY SURE I CAN HANDLE HATING MYSELF ON MY OWN, I DON’T NEED YOUR WIT.

CG: ALSO, BEING BUSY AND NOT BEING ABLE TO TALK IS REASONABLE TO AN EXTENT AND I’M PRETTY SURE YOU CAN SPARE SOME OF YOUR *PRECIOUS* TIME TO SAY “HEY KARKAT I’M GOING TO BE BUSY FOR A WHILE SO I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO TALK AT ALL SO BEFORE I GO AND STRESS YOU OUT HERE’S A HEADS UP”.

CG: YOU DIDN’T GIVE ME THAT, ALL YOU GAVE ME WAS COMPLETE SILENCE. WHICH I FIND SO FUCKING HILARIOUS BECAUSE ISN’T SILENCE THE ONE THING THAT YOU HATE, YOU WOULDN’T YOU TAKE THAT INTO CONSIDERATION AND MAYBE JUST MAYBE THINK I WOULDN’T LIKE THAT EITHER?

CG: OH BUT OF COURSE NOT, IF THE WORLD DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND ME IT SURE DOES REVOLVE AROUND YOU.

TA: at this point in time i don’t even know what you want from me anymore.

TA: should i say sorry? gee i don’t know, mr. big time over here might get mad at me for that.

TA: show how i know the stupidity reeks in my actions? oh gosh that might make it seem like all i want is pity.

TA: i’m just trying to say sorry here and if i angered you or stressed you out you don’t need to shove it down my throat because i know i’m at guilt for it.

CG: OKAY, FINE. I’LL JUST PUT AWAY THAT TOUCHY SUBJECT. JUST FOR YOU.

CG: JUST A REMINDER THAT EVEN IF I WAS THE ONE TO THROW THE FIRST DAGGER YOU ONLY DECIDED TO MAKE IT WORSE BY SAYING I’M THE UNREASONABLE ONE HERE WHEREAS YOUR REASON WAS HIGHLY RATIONAL.

CG: AND BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH FOR ANOTHER RETORT HOW ABOUT YOU ACTUALLY TELL ME WHY THE FUCK YOU WERE GONE BECAUSE JUST SAYING YOU’RE “BUSY” IS PRETTY SUSPICIOUS AND I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT.

TA: for your information i’m moving and in case you didn’t know packing up and spending most of the time cleaning up the house does not provide any time to talk.

TA: also we’re pretty much only able to use data because our wifi is cut off for the very reason we’re moving and it was my mistake to not pick up the phone.

TA: should i mention that i’m moving to your state, i wanted it to be a surprise and i don’t know, “special” but i guess this will have to do since i can’t really escape interrogation.

CG: WAIT.

CG: DUDE.

CG: YOU’RE MOVING, HERE. THIS ISN’T SOME CRUEL JOKE IS IT. I’LL EVEN SAY PLEASE.

CG: BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, *PLEASE* TELL ME THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING AND I FINALLY GET TO SEE YOUR UGLY ASS.

He didn’t even need to see Karkat to already sense that his eyes were practically beaming and probably cracking a smile. And if he was really engulfed in his emotions he’s most likely out of his chair with his face an inch away from the screen. He chuckled at the thought of it, as tough and abrasive Karkat tried to make himself out to be, honestly he was a child.

TA: you caught me in the act, i apologize. i was joking, i was just trying to make the situation happier.

CG: DON’T YOU DARE.

CG: I’M GLAD I CAN TELL WHAT YOUR SARCASM IS BECAUSE THOSE WORDS REEK OF IT.

TA: oh no kk i am telling the truth here i didn’t mean to get your hopes up i just wanted to tell a joke.

CG: CAPTOR.

CG: I WILL NOT HESITATE TO REACH INTO MY COMPUTER SCREEN AND PULL YOU BY THE FUCKING *HAIR* SO THAT YOU CAN BE THE FIRST TO FEEL EXCRUCIATING PAIN IN TWO STATES. AT THE SAME TIME.

TA: geez fine, okay, yeah i am moving over there in a couple of days. happy now.

And then their conversation returned back into being both of them continuously bitching at either each other or something else which he was glad for. He was also glad that no matter how bad the argument they were still able to make up and fix it as if everything was back to normal. Most relationships aren’t able to hold out when arguments as big as this happen and slowly they deteriorate. In the three years he’s known him never has their relationship ever crumbled, they stayed strong and he guessed it was because they just were able to understand each other. They knew when not to cross the line and they most importantly knew most insults were light hearted at most. A friendship like this lessened the type of social anxiety Sollux usually got and maybe that’s why he looked up to the guy. If he had to be grateful for anything, it was probably knowing him.

 

 

 


	5. I need to know that when I fail you'll still be here

The day he had been preparing for had finally come, so why was he so nervous? If he wasn’t talking to Sollux he was pacing around his room planning everything. What he was going to say, what he was going to do, what he was going to wear, etc. He was even able to hitch a ride with Nepeta who he told the whole plan to. He would probably ask if he could tour around the city, go back to the same arcade and walk around the place if Sollux wasn’t a lazy ass. He had saved up money for this and resisted the tempting sales even though he had a bad case of constant window shopping now that he went outside. He bought another arcade card and filled them both up in preparation even. He thought up just about everything while waiting for this day.

Well, except for thinking about what Sollux would think about him. Or what he would say, what he would look like. Not even if Sollux wanted to do all that the minute he got off the plane let alone if he was allowed to do that. Not even if Sollux would just turn around, rethink his decisions, and get back on that plane to Hawaii. Which was probably why he was currently hiding behind Nepeta and practically trembling as he waited. He had given the sign he made to Nepeta to hold because his hands were shaking so much the words were a blurr. Nepeta took a couple glances back and often asked if he was okay from time to time. While he nodded, honestly he didn’t know himself.

His breathing was heavy and while his knees were weak he refused to take a seat, he wasn’t going to accept defeat. Even though it would probably stop the spinning floor and the fact that he felt like he could tip over at any moment in time. It was like a form of stage fright, the one that was called crippling social anxiety. Somewhere along the line he would switch from constantly checking himself to being downright sick the minute he got a glimpse. His own dysphoria was going haywire. He should have told him he was trans, but he was just too scared. He knew Sollux wasn’t a judging person nor did he really care about anything you did or was but being around his family long enough to get anxious once someone mentions his gender made it harder for him to come out to anyone. He was still unsure how he was able to magically pull off coming out to Nepeta without slowly dying. He might have broken down but that wasn’t nearly as bad as it was now. Probably because he didn’t feel like he had been lying for three whole years when he came out to her, unlike now.

For one he didn't look passable, aside from his face and his body, sort of, he was still curvy and wide around the hips. And his hair was a dead giveaway. His father would never let him cut it the way he wanted it, the shortest he could get was a messy bob. Which is what he was sporting now and he was freaking out because he still looked _feminine_ and he couldn't look like that in front of his best friend. It was like he was playing a whole big lie to him complete with a fake identity. His head swirled and he had to grab hold of Nepeta’s arm while he tried to peer over her to sneak a glance. He didn’t even know why he was looking, he guessed even with anxiety tossing him around the room like a bouncy ball he still wanted to see the guy, no matter the consequence. He let out a shaky sigh before taking a deep breath and regaining some type of calmness. He still held onto Nepeta’s arm though, as if she was the shield to whatever incoming force that was about to charge at him.

“Oh wow, two ladies, you’re quite the charmer even on the computer aren’t you?”

It hit him directly at the chest at full force with the snicker that only added another blow to the head. He almost faltered in shock, it was light-hearted but rung menacing in his ears. It was like all of his hard work to try to look the smallest bit masculine was torn down with slightest flick of the wrist. His head went back to spinning and his breath was nonexistent. He looked up to see the two walk over to the both of them, he couldn’t focus on their appearance, his mind felt as if the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach was more important now. He beckoned Nepeta to put the sign down so that maybe that would ward them off.

The shorter one, by not much but presumably Sollux, turned to whisper something into the ears of who was most likely his dad. Probably about Karkat not being the friend he was talking about and that they should leave, fast. Or that his first glimpse at this, this _girl_ was a big mistake and they should still leave and forget it all happened. Nepeta could sense this and grabbed at his hand and gave him a tight squeeze for reassurement. She moved a little bit more in front of him and he whispered a thank you as he felt himself slowly crumbling down.

Sollux’s dad pushed his glasses up and coughed, which brought his swirling attention back to him. His expression mimicked that of childish guilt and while he looked as calm and collected as the presumed Sollux, he scratched the nape of his neck like he was the child in this situation.

“Uh, sorry about that I don’t think before I say things, Karkat is it? I’ll keep in mind to refer to you with masculine pronouns from now on,” he finally said to break the silence. The apology was surprising, but nice. It still didn’t stop him from slightly trembling and Nepeta had to fill in for him when it came to talking.

“So do I get a complimentary hug like in one of those cliche movies or do I not get to indulge in that. Also, sorry about my dad, he’s learning,”  a lispy voice had asked. He had his arms wide open and it took longer than needed for it to register in Karkat’s head that this is in fact Sollux and yes this person wanted a hug. And not a hug from anyone, but from him. Which usually meant you liked the person enough to not only be able stand them but to be able to handle being no inches apart in an embrace. He could feel Sollux teeter backwards when he finally put that thought process into action. He was anxious, excited, and was desperate to see his friend so his calculations on how much force was too much force wasn’t the most accurate of things.

Once he took a step back Karkat took an actual look at his best friend from over the screen. He was tall and lanky but what was odd was that even though his facial appearance and body structure was androgynous at best he had strangely feminine characteristics here and there. He couldn’t judge and he wasn’t really judging in the first place but it just felt off from his previous predictions. And upon further inspection breasts was definitely not expected from his assumed cismale friend, they were small and barely noticeable and Karkat had the feeling he was looking too far into this.

“And I thought I’d be the odd one here, guess I don’t have to go into a long ass spiel about what trans and masc agender is now do I? Man, and I was so pumped for that, I even made note cards,” he chuckled at his own joke and all Karkat could do was roll his eyes and groan. At least his mind wasn’t foggy enough where he just couldn’t find disgust in the pure stupidity of a joke and his comprehension skills were finally shifting its gears.

“Note cards? Wow, what a preparation. And I would think you’d be too lazy to do that because you know, “effort”. It’s like a precious thing to you and you have so little of it to ever want to put it in work, bet it was exhausting. If you need a breather just let me know because I might as well introduce you to my ever so great rants off the computer.” He paused for a moment and scoffed. “But I guess that exempts me from having to explain what a trans demiboy is so I might as well thank you for that. No note cards for you though.”

“Ha ha, funny. That mocking almost had an effect on me. Anyway, do you have anything actually planned or did you just come here to admire us and our bravery for stepping out of that flying metal monster.”

“Bravery? Now that’s a very funny joke there Sollux, you should try doing that more because every other joke you purposely make to shame me is complete and utter shit. Other than that, yes, I do in fact have a plan in mind. That is if you feel like you’re up to the challenge of more walking.”

He placed a hand on his heart and pulled on a weakened expression before replying, “Oh no, no more of that. How did you know my weakness? It’s not like I haven’t been sitting on a plane seat for how long? More than two hours and maybe stretching my legs would be good but you know, exercise just isn’t my thing. Even for being a gymnast since the age of four.”

“Whatever, you’re still a lazy fuck and we all know that this is a fact. And anyway if your dad is okay with it we’re taking a tour of the city amongst other things. Don’t worry, I was lying, we’re driving for the most part.”

* * *

 

Finally getting to meet your best friend whom you've never seen before was meant to be exciting. Especially after at least half of the first part of your plan worked but Karkat was feeling none of that. He had successfully gotten a yes from Sollux's dad and they had all hopped into Nepeta’s car to drive off to who knows where but that joyous feeling wasn't coming. Swirling thoughts and the teetering of a small muscle tower probably erased half the plan and made it seem like anxiety was the only outcome to all of this.

His first thought was that maybe happiness was just being delayed, but even after that positive suggestion Karkat started to think that wasn't true. And what came to thinking was contemplating. And contemplating became over-thinking. He was over-analytical at heart and this social anxiety was getting the best of him. He just wanted to curl up in the backseat and possibly take a rewind on the film of life so he didn't have to deal with it. But like a masochist to his own regret and loathing, he only seemed to press on the wound even more.

His first smart move was the fact that he thought that a great start to bonding was to at least sit next to each other, so while the passenger seat was lonely and gathering dust, Karkat and Sollux both bundled up in the backseat. The middle seat was of course the only gap in between them but Karkat still felt like he was suffocating with his simmering anxiety holding him at an asphyxiation point. From time to time Karkat had braved a glance at Sollux, his neck barely turning and his eyes aching from trying to look farther than it could but he needed to know what was happening on the other side. And he looked as uncomfortable as can be, he fiddled with his fingers and kept his eyes on the window. Sometimes he would tap on his lap or the car door to simulate some sort of sound. He looked calm but there was a slight cringe in his expression and obviously his mannerisms were not of the calm sort. Oddly enough it was soothing to know he wasn’t the only one suffering, but at the same time he knew he was failing. Every sound Karkat made, from the slightest bump to the rustling of him shuffling and to the loudest sigh, had alerted Sollux. It was almost dog-like, except there was no treat, no sound or conversation for the dog to wag its tail at in happiness. Just silence he knew was harming Sollux more than anything.

The second stupid move that he made was that he wanted to start a conversation so he opened his mouth and accidentally emitted an abomination of a sound. He quickly closed his mouth and looked out the window out of embarrassment. He guessed Sollux was trying to weigh out if his "best friend" was more monster than human. He wouldn't be wrong. After all, the way the bible would like to paint him was a menace. If Sollux wanted to leave him right then and there, he wouldn’t blame him. He was surprised he hadn’t got up and left, well the were in a moving vehicle of course but he didn’t think that would stop anyone from rolling out. Common sense would say otherwise, but common sense would have him not be friends with him anymore. The only reason why Nepeta even stays was because of the fact you can’t run away from family, or that she lacked as much common sense as Karkat did. 

Sollux had let out a long sigh then and it took a lot of strain not to turn his head and look straight at him. From what he could guess though, it seemed like his silently groaned right after. Karkat’s nails were already right at his mouth, he had reasons to feel ashamed. And obviously this anxiety and embarrassment wasn’t helping, but he felt as if he couldn’t speak at all.

“Guuys, this is a friendly reunion I’m supposed to be hearing chatter! Good juicy, gossip chatter. And if you poor munches can’t do that, then I don’t know, maybe Karcat can actually go over what we’re doing today. Don’t worry, I’m not driving you to your death or anything like that.”

And that was finally when the both of them looked at each other with a cringing expression because it was embarrassing to know that even the _driver_ knew how to act. It was common sense yet, but having to be told what to do wasn’t really a prideful moment for them. Karkat looked up at mirror which showcased a Nepeta who simply rolled her eyes and sighed. She then widened them and mouthed something that looked like a “ _Hurry up you doofus and say something!_ ” He redirected his attention back to Sollux and bit his lip, he wasn’t normally shy towards people-and you’d think knowing someone for three years would get rid of it- but there was something about this whole “reunion” thing that made him nervous.

“Okay! I’m going to start this off because you two lost your tongues. I swear I didn’t take them this time,” she chuckled at her own joke before continuing. “Anyway, Karcat decided that since you, Sollux Catpurr, was a big nerd with video games we’d start with a trip to the arcade. Now. Karcat you take over with the explaining.”

He mouthed a silent “Thank you” to Nepeta, now he at least had some sort of topic to continue off of that allowed him to get his thoughts straight. He coughed and moved a little bit in his seat, the awkward tension still lingered in the air and threatened to strike at him.

“Before Nepeta intervenes once again and proceeds to make a fool out of the both of us, I will actually be a little less of a bonehead and talk for once. A great first reunion, I know. Like she said we are going to drive over to the arcade to cater to your bird brain attention span and then probably take a tour around the city before just walking around mindlessly.”

“You sure got this day set out huh, it’s like you practically obsessed over this every hour of the day. Thanks I guess, at least you got me out from having to stay in a hotel doing nothing for fuck ever.”

“I might have thought about this in a repetitive fashion but consider yourself fucking lucky you have a friend who is dedicated to first physical impressions so you could have an awesome first time like this.” He paused and cringed slightly. “I’ll admit that I didn’t really get there but you’re going to have to put up and shut up with it.”

His expression was almost child-like the minute they entered inside the arcade. It was astounding how his friend who had the emotional capacity of a stale breadstick reverted to an abnormally tall two year old. Nostalgia had its ways, and apparently dusty and dim-litted arcades from the 1850s was a blast from the past with him. If it was like some romcom he probably would have cracked a smile, chuckle at his dorkiness but instead he chose to roll his eyes at him. He tossed a card at him and even with him fumbling it like a doofus it still took him an hour to register that this is in fact a card, a card for the arcade, and finally an arcade card that he himself could use to play.

“How the fuck. How the fuck are you doing this, you haven’t even had the time to waste to even practice on this game and you’re still beating me. I’m calling hacks, somehow, that’s possible knowing you,” Karkat half-shouted as he continued to mash the buttons in anger. They were playing one of those old Street Fighter games you could always find at any arcade and Sollux was currently beating the shit out of him. He couldn’t get it, he played this game once and he’s already pretty much a pro at it.

Sollux simply rolled his eyes, as if Karkat was just too stupid realize something so obvious, then replied, “It’s simple. You act like this is a one of a kind game crafted just for this one arcade. This is practically the same craptastic Street Fighter located at any arcade near you. Same moves, same frame per move-”

“Wait, frame per move. Are you telling me you can see each fucking frame?” He turned his head towards him and he nodded. “You lousy prick, I hope you know that will help you go nowhere in life.”  

“Oh I know, at least it’s helping me beat the shit out of you.”

He grumbled, rolling his eyes at him before refocusing on the game. For a while it was like that, just him beating the shit out of Karkat. He was about to yell again, promptly rage quit and move onto the next solo game before he had to witness himself getting thrown into the ring of sudden death again. That was until he felt someone grope him and feel him up.

And it sure as hell wasn't someone he knew.

 

 

 


	6. I waste all this time trying to run from you

Two shots of anxiety in the morning seemed to really simmer down any form of anger left in him and the fact that the groper whispered into his ear about how a _girl_ like _her_ would fit in better in the backseat of his car only made him a little bit more wobbly and unstable. That didn’t stop him from half-assedly overboiling, but he knew he’d barely intimidate the creep, they’re stubborn bastards who refuse to get their head out of their ass even after being knocked the daylights out of them. He wouldn’t actually mind doing that to him himself, he was strong enough to take him down probably-he was malnourished and weak from that yes-but he remembered being fit and strong a while ago,so he could try. He’d beat the living snot out of him-verbally of course-he didn’t want to chance it but beating him to a pulp just seemed satisfying. Though he hated to resort to actual violence and didn’t really want to get in trouble with the arcade worker over there, if he even cared. So he quickly turned around and put on his angriest glare and while he knew his voice would crack or waver, he could get a yell into the guy. Maybe it’d annoy him enough to judge that Karkat was in fact not good for his fantasies and just leave. He was about to open his mouth and promptly sass the creep down, but when you’re anxious and angry things tend to move faster than you’d like.

Like how Nepeta, who has been doing her own thing inside the arcade for the longest time, was able to apparently hear that whisper from across the room. Before that, she only came by them to steal one of their cards and wander off to play her own games. She was close by, but she still kept some distance to ensure that the two of them were able to bond to the fullest without her bothering them. The minute he turned around though, Sollux had already moved closer to him so he was partially in front of him and Nepeta was practically an inch away from the man. There was a scowl on her face and a look of disgust from Sollux. He sighed, _So I already have a protection squad. Great._ As much as his own reaction was going to be attention getting, this one was just straight embarrassing.  He needed to people to protect him even when he was fully capable of doing it on his own? By now he probably looked pathetic, as if by the mere look of anxiety or tears that never welled up in his eyes in the first place could get people to protect him immediately. He liked protection, what he didn’t like was the instant assumption he couldn’t do anything on his own.

“Woah there kitty-cat, feisty there aren’t cha?” The creeper snickered, his hands up to show that he was ‘innocent’. “Don’t need to be so jealous, there’s more of me to go around darlin’.”

It almost looked like she was going to hiss at him, or claw his grin off his face, her nails were long and sharp enough for it. She had started to grit her teeth in reply, “I’m not looking for anything you’re going to give me mister so listen here, if you lay a hand on me and a _hair_ on my furriend you don’t want to know what’ll happen to you.”

He only chuckled, “You? Whaddya think you’re gonna do to me? You’re only a girl!”

This is where the guy went wrong, or more wrong to the point that he already dug his grave for himself. She clenched her fists, but Karkat was pretty sure she wanted to grab at his collar at this point, maybe land a punch on his face. He had to be blind or something, she was a whole head taller than him with muscles she could crush your face in. She simply sighed, trying to calm down before smiling right after and answering with a, “You don’t want to know what I can do, so I suggest you watch out for a few days.” He was a little offed by this, and deemed it to be the right time to just leave before anything else happened. He muttered “Weirdos” before he finally departed from the dangerzone and out of the glass doors.

Things had calmed down right after, at least it appeared to be that, with both Nepeta and Sollux looking prideful because they had saved the “damsel in distress”. Karkat himself still was shaky, but not out of anxiety anymore, just pure annoyance. During the whole interaction he had been gripping on his card hard enough that if it was sharp enough it could slice open his palm if he wanted to, which he did, it would end his suffering then or at least focus it on something else. And since that wasn’t necessarily an option, throughout the whole scene all he wanted to do was push everyone aside and leave before the drama put everyone in trouble. If he had done that and proceeded to get lost in the city the two would probably stop feeling obliged to worry about his pathetic ass. His family would be happier too.

He missed his chance at leaving, and he doubted that they’d just watch him exit without a pull or yell or some type of fight. He’d give in because of the overwhelming guilt that would tower over his anger and make him feel like a burden to all. He couldn’t see why they even put up with him, he thought they all knew he’d shut off sooner or later. Or fuck up so much that it’d leave them beyond repair while he led on either a life that was worse or full of pride that he shouldn’t have.

So he instead trudged over to the far side of the arcade, saying he wanted to try out some of the solo games over there. There was an edge to it, his voice rough to show that he was rightfully pissed off even though he never intended to show that he was. It wasn’t that surprising, he could never hide his emotions, they stuck out like a sore thumb. And once he was angry, it was hard to get out of the predicament. Now they were the ones offed by the situation, he could tell that they backed away and decided not to follow. It was probably better that way, he continued to wonder how long they’d be able to hold their walls up from his destructive nature. Not for long, he was getting emotionally unstable everyday from family issues alone, yet aggressive to show he was still trying to fight his way out. Regardless, he was still weak.

His excuse to try out new video games quickly became a bet on himself on how bored he’d get from the select few arcade games he already played on the wall he chose. He wasn’t really thinking and he just wanted to get away from them and so he made the stupid mistake of walking into the direction of all the games that sat there gathering dust because everyone who was smart knew never to touch that wall in general. The games there were so old they didn’t even carry the terribly good quality, just the end this quickly before I punch the screen vibe. He then stationed himself on the wall, his hand grabbing at his phone just so he could pass the time and ease his emotions. After all, he was the most confusing and complicated game of them all. It was to the point that puzzle games were jealous and strategy games could never concoct the right plan for winning. There were no walkthroughs for him because no one ever won, and those who lost never played with him again.  

It seemed as though they had forgotten him, and they should have, he was no benefit for them. This may have been the day he’d been waiting for, the day he’d finally meet his long distance friend but these mood swings had gotten a hold of him. He was a bag of emotions, constantly shook until he was nauseous and felt every emotion in the matter of hours. His going from excited to anxious to angry and then to shit wasn’t surprising either, it was probably the most normal thing that had happened this week for him. Another routine for him to go through, he didn’t suffer from it, he just blanked out. Didn’t pay much attention to it, tuned it out and let it go on its course. Used to tally it up, keep track, but lately he was too tired to do that. Too tired to do anything.

His hopes on them forgetting him was soon crushed which was both saddening and cheerful. He could go on about how they were better off without him but he thrived on approval, on reassurement. He needed friendships as much as any other necessity to live and while he wanted them to let him go he didn’t know if he could do the same. He was already suffering, so adding an extra reason wouldn’t hurt, right? He didn’t know, he didn’t want to know. He was a coward after all. He just went on towards them when they beckoned him to join in. They seemed hesitant, like he was a bomb waiting to explode and they had to tip toe around him to ensure their own safety. Even Sollux, who was already used to his antics, was acting strangely when it came to Karkat’s attitude. By the time they exited the arcade he raised his brow at them, he wasn’t that angry when he talked to them about going to try games out alone. Though his total avoidance might have spoken out louder, it just didn’t add up. Did they expect him to be traumatized by the event that happened, by the fact that someone felt him up and misgendered him? It was creepy at most and while he did get shaken from it, it wasn’t something that destroyed his life completely. He had worse things on his plate than that encounter.

What. Did they expect a _thank you_?

“What’s up with you guys, it’s like you guys think I’m possessed and I’m oblivious towards that fact. Pretty sure there’s not evil killer ghosts in me.” He knocked at his head when he said that. “Instead you get cranky aggressive me, not much difference but at least it’s 100 percent me. Loosen the fuck up.”

“Well we just thought you were jus’ a lil shaken by what happened early this morning. I mean it isn’t very normal for that to happen, especially in an arcade of sorts. And you wanted some alone time we guessed so...We were jus’ worried,” Nepeta answered, sounding guilty, which she should have been. So he was right, they treated the whole scene delicately because obviously he was delicate.

He rolled his eyes and spat. “So you treating me like I’m some new alien species that you guys have experiment on with utmost precaution is to show me... _comfort_? Gee, what nice friends I have. I’m glad your only way to take care of me is to assume I’m weak as a twig and then give me the silent treatment with hesitant expressions. Oh, and you’re not thanked by the way.”

“Woah so us saving your ass is a bad thing now, you’re going to need to make your mind up sooner or later Karkat because every positive connotation we do is oh so bad. How’d you like to be treated, like a pile of sticks that’s constantly ignored and neglected or like an actual friend. Reminder, you’re our friend, we help friends out not assume they’re weak,” Sollux interjected, his tone already annoyed by the blow up.

“I turned the fuck around, I was about to yell the shit out of the guy and you of all people know I can defend myself. Since when did I seem like someone who needed constant help, I know it’s only happened fucking once but judging by your reactions to all of this it’s like I’ve broken some cardinal rule to friendship. Would you like a reminder too? Because helping out isn’t straight up walling me up with your bodies and arguing for me. Helping out is cooperative, not ‘Let’s block him and make him look pathetic because he needs two bodyguards walking with him at all times because he can’t do shit for himself,’” His tone started to increase in intensity, he was practically using up all his energy on this stupid argument.

“Karcat, no one said we thought you were too weak, now you’re the one making assumptions.” She crossed her arms and gave him a disapproving look. “We were just trying to lend a helping hand.”

“Well I never fucking asked for help! You act like that guy was too much to handle and you didn’t even need to say it out loud because your actions were enough to provide evidence as to why I’m in sudden need of a protection squad. I’m not your delicate fucking flower and I don’t need the pampering you give in the disguise of help. I’m independent. I can do shit myself and sure I may be weak in my own eyes but don’t you dare start treating me like that just because I said so. I’m not making any assumptions here, friendship may be a friendship but there’s a line you cross when you go from helping to flat out deflecting any blows that I myself can handle. I’m not your angelic child so stop trying to act like my family because I already got a sheltering one of my own that thinks I can’t do shit for myself. So if you decide to treat me like that, consider me gone,” he was just rambling now, the only thing keeping him running was his anger now. He couldn’t even tell whether or not he was being repetitive or if he was going overboard. He was just releasing a flood of yells out in the street. There were tears welling up in his eyes and he hated the fact that he just happened to come in contact with his wet anger that caused a shaky voice and made him feel like he just continued to paint himself fragile. He was trying to make a point but he cared too much to seem done and it only made it worse on his side to know that all he really could do was get emotional and cry. He barely was able to hold in any tears in fact but was at least able to keep his eyes focused on the ground as he hurried over to the car and muttered a “Let’s just go already.”  

After a small tour on the car, it finally lead to the last step of just plain walking out and enjoying it in person instead of behind a fingerprinted car window. The sky was changing from pink to orange and purple to a dark blue, the mix of colors and gradients showing that the afternoon sky was reaching its evening shift. It was a perfect time to start walking out and by the looks of it the wind was blowing nicely. It was straight out of a movie yet that still didn’t move Karkat out of his grumpy mood. Or at least it sort of did, it was calming and peaceful, but he was irritated at himself more than anything. His grudge against the two was over, but that didn’t mean he was going to show it. He still had a point to prove and he was just grateful that his own annoyance at himself seemed to look like it was directed towards them.

They stopped off by a park after they got out of the city and Nepeta was excited enough to take the situation into her own hands and announce that they would be exploring the woods. It wasn’t what Karkat originally planned-at this time of day the city lights would have looked nice and the inside of buildings were cold and quiet- but he let it pass. Even Sollux seemed a little enthusiastic about adventuring into the forest, and not even in a sarcastic way this time.

“Hey, sorry.” Sollux had walked over to him and nudged at him as he started to mumble, “I thought it was common courtesy to do that or something, I don't fucking know went through my mind. So yeah, sorry.”

He really pitied the guy sometimes and right now was one of those times. He nudged back at him and cracked a slight smile, "You're forgiven you pitiful bastard. How hard was it for you to utter the word sorry to me, I bet it was a struggle."

"Too hard, obviously. Ugh, saying sorry is so disgusting," he nervously chuckled. It was obvious that he still awkward by all of this.

He leaned on him as a sign of reassurement, he had tensed up but then relaxed, sighing. “Look dude, apology accepted and shit. No hard feelings, alright?”

Nepeta had then rushed up towards them wrapping her arms around each of their shoulders, smiling brightly. “See? I told you guys you needed some time alone to bond,” she snickered. “Oh and yeah, sorry ‘bout all of that commotion.” He waved his hand at her, half of the reason being that “alone time” was stupid and not how they bonded and that she truly was forgiven.

“Oh, and Catpurr, if my research is correct-and it aaaalways is- you _hate_ the outdoors. So why did you seem so excited to be venturing out in the woods hmm?”

He waved his hands and rolled his eyes. “Shocking, I know. I’ll admit that I previously dreaded going out but after being practically forced to do it by a friend made it grow on me. I find it fun until I inevitably get lost inside the woods."

“God, you’re a loser, I hope you know that.” 


	7. You'll have to come and find me, find me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look guys I'm back! It's been a while and I apologize but I promise things will be going regularly now. Or at least I'll attempt, schools back and s/t so I might not be able to upd8 all the time but I'll try.   
> Also major warning that this one has some extreme suicidal thoughts and LGBTphobia in general.  
> In case it wasn't clear because I suck at this time thing, the area that has the dialogue is a flashback by the way.

Sometimes death was a calming thought.

And with school creating stress faster than the ticking of a stopwatch, it only brought him back to nostalgic times.

Wanting to die, well, that was peaceful. It was bliss. In his mind it was his only way out from all the stress, fear, and struggle that practically surrounded him nowadays. His only restraints were his friends, which was good, he needed to be chained down. He needed to be held back from reaching that route and never being able to turn back at last minute. At this point he felt nothing, but even part of him knew that he’d feel guilt. He didn’t want to make his friends feel utter remorse, to be the cause of their emotional and possibly mental problems if he went through with it. They were his anchor, the two were pulling him straight down, keeping him on the ground. This wasn’t a one way stop, he had to cater to their needs, to their wants. To stop his own clock from ticking would be his want but for them, it was their worst nightmare. Their constant worry.

So instead he continued to stare off into his dark ceiling, he felt numb, like there was a black pit where his heart should be and he couldn’t do anything to retrieve it. He didn’t want to. It was like he was a blank page waiting to be rewritten, to be created by someone else to be more likeable, to be wanted by everyone. Yet at the same time he wanted to stay blank, to be that one white page that shouldn’t really be there but is there nonetheless. Just taking up space and being constantly ignored because there wasn’t anything special about him. Either one would lead to the inevitable want to end it all.

And honestly, he was fine with that.

He started to trace things on his bedsheets. For a small while it was just lines and curves that meant nothing, just something to pass the time with-being emotionally numb didn’t give you the power to do much, just blank out-but soon they were given reasons. They started to become tallies. Tallies of everything he did wrong, reasons to why _he_ was wrong. Why he was a little piece of shit who should just be left to die. The tallies started to build up quickly and he counted. He counted every bad trait, every habit, every bad thought that popped in his head, every word he used to stab someone straight in the heart, anything to show how much of a fuck he truly was. And for a moment, he was guarded by this surreal emotional blanket. Those reasons, they were just there.  But just like everything else, once it starts to pile up, it starts to get more noticeable. The timer on his numbness was running out and for every word, he dug deeper into his own self-pity.

Self-pity, it was like second nature to him by now. A meticulous routine he had to pull through everyday. There was no way to stop it, he could care less anyway. Somehow he’d fuck it up and wasn’t that worse? He often had to tell himself that to stop associating this fixation as an obsession. But part of him knew-his self-awareness- it wasn’t fear. It was an addiction. An addiction to pain. The constant chastisements on himself was almost masochistic.

His mind...hadn’t been right lately. It was a constant on and off like a child who discovered the lightswitch and couldn’t stop playing with it. He was this big wave of emotions, the negative feelings rising up like tsunamis and the happier ones silently rippling near the coasts. He couldn’t stop the constant memories, the constant guilt of doing something he knew wasn’t his fault. It was never his fault but, that’s just how he felt most of the time. He knew he couldn’t fix these broken pieces laid out in front of him. He knew he couldn’t change himself to earn gratitude from someone other than friends who have to deal with him. He could beg and plead for approval, for some type of appreciation of him but would it happen? No, he wasn’t the type to be given forgiveness. It was only him who would spit out the constant apologies that flowed out of his mouth.

He curled up in a ball on the bed, he stopped writing and just hugged himself for a moment. He stared off at the wall, he could feel the tug at his head, the tears welling up in his eyes. He didn’t ask for this. He didn’t ask for any of this but here it was. There were times when he just wished he wasn’t who he was. That he could just fit in that pretty picture painted exclusively for him to be. There was this imbalance of wanting to stay a girl or wanting to be who he truly was at the moment. He didn’t want to fall in love with practically anyone he bonded with, he wished he could just like _one_ gender. Part of him knew that this wasn’t what he really wanted but even so there was just this fear of stepping out of the boundaries. Fear of not being able to do what he wanted to do. Not being able to succeed so why try when giving up was so much easier. Why not just huddle back into the sheltered hole dug for him?

He clenched his fists and sniffled. He just...He just wanted his family to love him.

None of this superficial shit. None of the “I care about you”s laid out in a convincing manner that still had the edge of a blade at the back of them. He didn’t want this passive aggressiveness, just genuine acceptance. Yes, he might have disliked them. He might have grown an annoyance for their actions and behaviors. They were horrible and abusive and most of all toxic. But he was a child. A young boy yearning for the approval of his family for once. He just wanted to be in a normal and nice family again.

And that’s where he felt guilty.

He couldn’t change who he was. He couldn’t change who they were, they were just as stubborn as him when it came to opinions. He felt as if it was his fault they were like this, like this could have been avoided if he just wasn’t _him_. He could remember it like it was yesterday, the day he asked about transgenders and gay people. He was innocent, curious, and questioning but the look of disdain from his dad was more than enough to show that he would not be welcomed. He remembered him muttering something under his breath, telling him that he would be sent to Church as soon as possible. He remembered being told to beg for forgiveness. He remembered being told never to utter those words ever again. He remembered being told that no one gets second chances, not if you were those _things_.

The minute they were back home from church he was pulled down to sit on the couch, they were face to face and Karkat couldn’t keep eye contact. His heart was icy cold and there were tears daring to well up in his eyes. He clenched his fists, preparing himself for whatever would happen. His dad looked at him for a moment, raised his hand and Karkat moved back and turned his face away. He was ready to shield himself from the blow.

But it didn’t happen, he rubbed his face and sighed, getting up from his seat. He paced back and forth before standing right in front of him, arms crossed.

“Look at me,” he had boomed, his tone bitter and angry.

There was no movement, Karkat was already shaking at this point.

“I told you to look at me. Don’t you know what happens when you don’t listen?” He asked, he started to become assertive, stern. Karkat finally looked up, the movement almost making the tears rush down completely.

“Well?” He tapped his foot, waiting for his answer. “What happens?”

“I get punished,” he answered, keeping his head in place but his eyes elsewhere. He couldn’t take this interrogation.  

“And you don’t want that, right?”

He shook his head.

“After what you did I already feel like bringing out the belt,” More pacing, he whispered, but the room was so quiet it could be heard, “Didn’t I teach my kids right? Where did I go wrong?” Karkat winced, his nails were digging into palm now.

“Where did you get this from? Your friends?” he asked again, more shaking. He sighed in frustration.

“Luckily I won’t bring out the belt, but I’ll make this clear. If you ever try to say you’re, you’re one of _them_ you will be disowned by this household. I simply can’t afford the therapy to make you right so why not just kick you out, that’ll be one extra vermin out on the streets. You’ll die out just like the rest of them. So if I ever find out you have friends teaching you this putrid belief, if I ever find looking at it, and if I ever hear you “identify” as them, you’re out. No second chances. None of that, you’re better gone. You understand?”

He nodded and asked to be dismissed. Once he got the chance he quickly walked off into his room, shut the door quietly and succumbed to the tears.

Just like now.

And the feelings never changed. Even with knowing that his friends accepted him, even with knowing they were a part of the same community he couldn’t help but feel like a sucker for attention. He was nothing, worthless, invalid, fake. Just someone who was trying to copy everyone else, to fit in. His dad was right, he was merely a follower. Someone who couldn’t make his own decisions. Destined to just be left behind because he couldn’t find out who he was.

And he guessed he was right about that too. His identity went off the charts, it twisted and turned and just like his emotions it had its highs and lows. Who he was, he didn’t know. Though if he had to place a name on it, it was horrible. Even when he prided himself over being trans he had to always question himself. Because was he? Was he really this person? Or was he doing it because he was a follower, maybe even just in spite of his family. So even as he repetitively said he was a boy, that this was who he was, it still felt bitter in his mouth. As if all of this validation from himself was useless and that he should give it up with it all. Because sooner or later he would find out he was wrong and his dad was right, as usual. And then what, would his friends finally see him as the liar he truly was? Would they leave him just like that, because he couldn’t find out sooner and didn’t even tell them the truth?

This was where he started to feel repetitive. As if he was just forcing these thoughts out because no normal person would constantly think about the same things over and over again. He wanted to suffer and he knew that. That could be the only reason why every day of the week, every hour, every second his mind went right back to this. Always thinking about something negative and never positive. Always thinking about how his friends would leave him and how he was always wrong and never right. How this wasn’t him and how he was just as invalid as a piece of cardboard. Now this, this was petty. He would be just fine in a couple of hours, feel like none of this happened and that everything was okay. So why could he continue doing this? Was this just another part of his routine of self-pity and loathing he forced himself into doing?

He curled up into an even smaller ball, the sheets were soaked and his vision blurry. It was funny how he could just give up on his friends like that, give them up even. And all of this just for the taste of appreciation? He was pathetic, greedy, and desperate. He didn’t deserve them, they could find so much better people out there. In fact they probably already have, they just haven’t had the heart to tell him yet. He was annoying as shit, he wouldn’t be surprised if they were already done with him. But then what? Would he crawl back to his family and accept life how it is? Beg and plead to be welcomed again and accept whatever they gave him?

Instead he just stayed in his room and isolated himself from everyone. If they wanted him they’d have to find him, somehow.


	8. Plummet As I Sing, Plummet As I Sing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short, Sollux didn't provide much flow when it came to writing this one and apparently he only wanted depressing shit, here you have it. However! Next chapter will definitely be the actual set up and actual introduction of characters I assure you

It’s been awhile since he had to use headphones to sleep.  

And it’s been awhile since something like this had happened. And he was starting to wonder if the most worrying part was the fact he was just lounging around on his messy bed like some dead body waiting for someone to find him. Help? That wasn’t an option. However the static in his headphones told him otherwise. He grabbed his phone and glared at the blinding light. “2 AM” it read, and he groaned, placing the phone back down. Not again.

He was able to pull his flesh off from the mattress, enough to at least sit up and stare at his surroundings. He blinked once, twice, three times. They still were there. He had only fallen asleep an hour ago-impressively earlier than most nights-because of Them. He could still hear the static, see the dark tendrils in the corner of his closet. Shadow apparitions, his favorite kind. He scooted to the head of the mattress, pulled his sheets up, and quickly pulled up music on the phone. His eyes twitched. The silence was starting to get to him, so much that he had to have some form of noise on him. He dreaded that this day would come and yet it still did and he cursed at himself before emitting a soft chuckle.

This always happened, some more bearable than others. But slowly this battle between himself and reality was starting to become an all out nuclear war. Honestly, at this point reality was splitting at the seams. His hallucinations were coming back as vivid as ever, even with late night programming he could still see them at the corner of your eye, the brightness of his screen not even singeing their faces. His music was blaring at all times, but not being able to hear anything from outside was giving him delusions that They were out to kill him again. This was all coming back too fast, too harsh, and he was five seconds from burning out again.

He had thought about ditching school, the first day of school, the first week even. He had been waiting for this day, constantly trying to prepare himself for what would become of it. But it seemed that all this stress only seemed to cause another episode. He sighed, if he did decide to go today, he had four hours to kill. Time only seemed to go slower at this realization, and he didn’t think he’d be able to make it out alive.

You see, he has had psychosis for as long as he could remember, and honestly? Life has been going downhill since then.

Now, being psychotic, having a psychotic disorder, it wasn’t always violent-it wasn’t a killer. It was silence, fear, isolation. That is what it was to him and many people. And god, was it terrifying. Try spiraling down a rabbit hole, except this doesn’t grant you to Wonderland where everything is fine, this grants you to the Red Queen. Where it’s off with your head. And believe me he had lost it.

Another check on the phone. He doubted anyone was on at this point, it was too early for him to drone on about his problems anyway. And it’s not like he did regardless. And yet, he still had his finger hovered over the messenger, he tapped it, did a little bit more staring and finally, clicked on a contact.

It was now 2:30 and he knew he’d get his case if he messaged him this early. Something about how he wonders how he functioned with the minimal hours of sleep, and how unlike himself, he actually needed sleep like any other regular human being. It was playful at most, but underneath that-genuine concern. He still shrunk, still distanced himself from him, it was a habit at this point. Couldn’t get too close to anyone, that firewall was still up for anyone around him. He understood nonetheless, he had his own problems to deal with, but he still attacked the wall forcefully. And honestly, he was grateful for that.

However, now was not the time for him to go on about how great his good ol’ buddy Karkat is, and now was definitely not the time to vent about any of his problems. A great coping mechanism, he knew. Bottling up emotions was the standard “Big Emotional No-No” of any trope in existence but it’s not like he _could_ do anything about it. Yet another roadblock in his mental illness that he could not trespass, not even if he tried.

So instead he wrapped himself up in his sheets, turned his volume up to a worrying and blaring noise, and tried to forget about the fast movements that circled around him. Maybe, just maybe, he’ll be put into a deep sleep this time.

However even when he passed out for what seemed like a couple of hours, his alarm clock still read as “3:00 AM.” It didn’t even feel like sleeping, more like restless dreaming. It was a common trend for his dreams to be vivid, to be unable to tell from real and fiction, and it always left him exhausted. He sat up, giving up on any idea that he might be able to go back to sleep. He stretched, rolling his neck and causing it to pop thousands of bones. He did that to each limb, hearing them all create excruciating sounds. It was his way of grounding, as gruesome as it was, it was the only way to tell himself that it was all real. He looked around, no shadows in sight this time, but the voices still faintly whispered in his ears. He looked at his phone and sighed, full volume, there seemed to be no way in escaping Them. They were just getting louder.

He stood up, flashing his phone light as he continued his way out into the hallway. He made a turn to the bathroom, opening up the medicine cabinet.He looked at the pile of medication, antipsychotics, antidepressants, pain killers. All at his disposal. He picked up the bottle of antipsychotics, rolling it around in his hand, not even thinking to actually just open the lid. Twenty of any of these things could hospitalize him, better yet, kill him.

He shook his head, putting the bottle back and shutting the cabinet. He squeezed his eyes tightly. One, two, three. One, two three. He gripped onto the edges of the sink, letting out a long breath before washing his face over and over.

Being suicidal was a great feeling. Researching every one of his pills in just the overdosage area was great. He knew what it would all do to him, he was practically an encyclopedia for all of them. At first sight, you’d think that’d be great, to be able to assess the damage and stay away from doing all of that. But that was what the research was for, for doing the exact thing it said.

It’s been like this since they day he was born. There was no trigger, no traumatic story, just the straight up fact that he’s always wanted to kill himself the day he was born.

His dad wanted to help, he _always_ wanted to help, with everything. But he still didn’t understand. It was great, to have someone who accepted you instead of throw you out, but it wasn’t enough. Sure, his dad had his run down with depression and brief psychosis, but that’s where the line stopped. He wasn’t this clusterfuck of other diseases and he wasn’t out of the gender binary, he was just a worrying bystander.  Someone who tried to reach out, but was still hesitant on everything, still thinking that they could break you into small pieces.

Sometimes he wondered that if he just stopped existing everything and everyone would be better. If everything would just stop.


End file.
